Things Theresa May Could Do to Relax

Dear Rt Hon Theresa May,

Babes. Are you alright? Like, do you need to talk? I saw you on ITV News yesterday, being interviewed by Julie Etchingham for International Women’s Day, and honestly I have some concerns.

“There must be moments when you long to let your hair down and get away from it all”, is how Julie Etchingham begins her final question to you, acknowledging the unique pressures of political office and the understandable human desire to want to sack it all off and live a quiet life full of small but nevertheless important pleasures that are often – but not always – rooted in close personal relationships. “If you could have your perfect get together with your girlfriends on International Women’s Day… What would be your perfect night with them?”

And I watched your face retreat into itself before you gave your response, simply recoiling at the concept of base-level human interaction, and you said, “Oh goodness me! What a question!”

This is my first point of worry. “Oh goodness me! What a question!” is usually a response you would give when someone asks you something disarming, like “which Spice Girl do you think you are?” or “do you want to have a threesome with me and my mum?” If someone’s just asking what you normally do for joy, you’d probably be able to pull something out of your arse even if your mind is otherwise occupied memorising the same five deflective sentences. “Splurge on a take away, maybe a few cheeky voddies,” would have done. Something light that speaks to the deep and almost secretive bonds of womanhood. But you said: “I haven’t thought about it, because actually my International Women’s Day is heavily focused on what we’re doing on domestic abuse.”

Then Julie Etchingham sort of cuts you off like yeah I know you’re the prime minister, obviously you’re the prime minister, but hypothetically… And then you realise what you’ve done. You fucked it. So you filibuster the conversation by saying there are many different ways of letting your hair down, and that it depends who’s involved and where, which is true. You could have left it at that, to be honest. Or you could have used those few seconds to think, and then say something about how your daily life is full of conversation so when it comes to an ideal night of self-indulgence you prefer to spend quality time alone reading a Philippa Gregory – something, anything, that hints at a glint of humanity, instead of something that just come back from the quarry in Invaders From Mars.

But nah. You doubled down and said something mad about women’s suffering concluding with the words “daily living hell’. A valid thing to say, sure. But…. bit much, innit, given the context.

Of course, you could have lent even harder into the serious answer thing. "Oh I'd love to split a bottle of rioja with the gals! I'd love to watch Sex and the City and eat a Flake in the bath! Is that what you want to hear? IS IT? People are DYING and I have to SAVE them. So no I don't let my HAIR DOWN. You people make me feel sick." Or if things really are too serious to have any fun ever, maybe you could also have addressed the state-sponsored abuse of women at Yarl’s Wood, and apologise for threatening detainees on hunger strike protesting unfair imprisonment and racist abuse with accelerated deportation?

But I just think that maybe you should have a sit down for a minute on a comfy sofa, enjoy a Galaxy Caramel. Maybe someone – not me, but someone else – should invite you over for dinner? Just so you can remember how to be just 1% of a person?

I know you’re busy, though. Perhaps too busy for an entire meal (Do you like food?? You could have said something about that???). So here’s a list of normal human person responses you could have given instead:

“Go to the cinema.”

“Pour myself a nice glass of Sauvignon and put my feet up.”

“Invite a few of my close friends over for a nail art party.”

“Have a long, relaxing bath.”

“Re-watch all of 1980s political sitcom Yes Minister.”

“Listen to all my favourite pastoral hymns”

“Go to the zoo.”

“Go bowling.”

“Host a murder mystery dinner party.”

“Egg Jeremy Corbyn’s house.”

“Play Solitaire.”

“Watch Paddington 2.”

@emmaggarland