History has such a limited return on investment. Nothing we can learn from it, no ways to improve upon it. It’s for the best that those insomniacs who were archiving the world’s newspapers for the last five years can call it quits. Let’s just get some child prodigy with a photographic memory in there to soak up all that info. Then, if we’re ever really in a bind, we can just consult his Twitter feed or Tumblr blog, where he’s translated all of our old news into short interpretive dance videos, Earth’s universal language.— Complied by Kurt Poropatich
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