THE NEW LEXICON OF HIP

A couple of nights ago a lot of hipsters on Twitter retweeted someone's assertion that they were "So sick of the word 'hipster'. Seems like it's been ten years of endless articles sneering at young people interested in music, art, fashion, fun etc. as 'hipsters', like that's some sort of strange crime against society."

Of course, because society has lost it's mind on the internet, the term has managed to take on an amorphous cultural significance, but in reality, like "scenester" before it, and "fashionsta" before that, "hipster" has simply become as tired and ubiquitous as a pair of jeggings (and footless-tights before them).

Well worry not, because I've taken it upon myself to find the heir to the hipster brand. Observe:

Coolies: Incorporating the vital hip, fashion, or trend-like prefix, "coolie" also has an interesting association with red-shirted railway servants and poorly paid laborers. And who among us doesn't appreciate a slave-like, sweaty adherence to newness and counterculture?

Neatos: It rhymes with Doritos and Wheetos, two extremely cool grain-based snacks, and has the requisite allusion to 1960s slang. A winner by any measure.

Snazzers: It's been far too long since I heard a piece of graphic design described as snazzy. Which means, according to the great tombola of ironized coolness, that it is just about ripe for a revisit.

Trendster: I like this for a number of reasons. Firstly, it sounds like Friendster, which is surely due for a retro rebirth. Also, we used to call the people who wore Fubu tracksuits and Nike Air Max "trendies" at my school, with the sort of withering disdain only available to a bunch of overweight, middle-class dweebs in flares.

Stylistes: French; it's sexy, non? Le cool, oui? Absolutement de rigeur, bien sur.

Hepcats: If "hipster" can transcend its 1960s, mung bean-eating, LSD-addled connotations to become a by-word for 21st century youth, then just imagine what we could do with a phrase like "hepcat."

Funkinistas: I like the combination of cultural signifier, plus Spanish military jargon. It has a nice, hedonistic revolutionary feel to it. I'd probably start using it to describe Rick James, and move on from there.

Fabios: Who doesn't want to be reminded of a long-haired male model at loggerheads with George Clooney every time they try to describe a new club night?

Slimmers: Over the years I have drawn up a pretty definitive list of what's cool; sex, drugs, smoking, swearing, booze, and being thin. Sadly, the latter has been overlooked for far too long in the lexicon of cultural analysis and now is the time to right that wrong. Also, the word "slimmers" opens up a whole opportunity for terms like "slim-hard" and "thinsters" for people who try just that little bit too much.

Modals: You see, it sounds a bit like model. As in professionally cool and good looking. Also, it's kind of a jazz term, and jazz was pretty much the birth of cool. So it's both shallow and betrays a knowledge of culture beyond what people might expect you to have. Perfect.

NELL FRIZZELL