Getting Along is a column about taking care of yourself, setting boundaries, and having difficult conversations, for people who struggle with all three.
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And there might not be! But that doesn’t mean there are no healthy or productive ways to deal with the insecure person in your life. I spoke to therapist Sarah Paul and to Andrea Bonior, the author of Detox Your Thoughts: Quit Negative Self-Talk for Good and Discover the Life You've Always Wanted about dealing with insecure people. Sometimes it’s clear when someone is feeling insecure; they’ll openly talk badly about themselves, express near-constant self-doubt, or even straight up say, “I’m feeling really insecure and needy.” And most of us know that when someone is a mean, aggressive, bullying type, it’s probably because they don’t feel great about themselves. But Bonior said there are some other ways insecurity can manifest that might not be as obvious: Avoidance: Bonior said if someone often flakes at the last minute, doesn’t show up for things, or says they are going to do something but doesn’t, it could be because they are insecure—maybe they’re worried about how they’ll “perform” or be perceived. Frequent interrupting: “Most people said of social anxiety as being quiet,” Bonior said, “but sometimes, it's actually people interrupting a lot, because they're so worried about how they're coming across and what they're going to say, they start cutting people off. They can't relax to take in what other people are saying, because they're already jumping to, Well, what about me? And, Oh, what if I say this? And how am I gonna answer the next question? and that kind of thing.”
What are some signs you’re dealing with an insecure person?
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Competitiveness: This might be an insecure person’s attempt to get external “proof” of their worth. Bonior said it might also manifest as nosiness—e.g., they ask you prying questions about your salary, your grades, how much you pay in rent, or personal things about your relationship. It could also look like gossip. “They're trying to get all these details in part so they can compare themselves and see how they stack up,” she said. “The first thing is to remember that it's not about you,” Paul said. “We have to slow down enough to take our emotions out of it. Because when someone is aggressive towards us, we tend to get defensive, we tend to also look inward… What did I do? Is this my fault? But when someone is projecting their insecurities onto you, it's about them.”Bonior said you should have a conversation with this person about their behavior, but to be thoughtful about when you bring it up. “A lot of times if the person is lashing out, if you try to call them out on it in the moment, it's going to go nowhere, because they're going to be so defensive, or even aggressive, that it's just going to escalate,” she said. “I would choose a relaxed time, certainly a time when you have privacy, and have some space and time to talk.” Bonior also said to go into the conversation with a few recent examples, but avoid bringing a long list of grievances that makes it seem like you’ve been keeping a secret file on them for months.
What should I say to an insecure bully who is always putting me down?
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“I would just say, ‘Hey, do you mind if we talked about something for a few minutes?’” Bonior said. She emphasized the importance of making “I” statements (“I feel hurt”) versus hurling accusations (“you’re clearly jealous of me”). So you might say something like…Even if the person isn’t being nasty to you directly, it can still be difficult to be the audience for a stream of harsh and judgmental comments about others. In this case, Bonior said, you should absolutely tell them to cut it out. “When somebody is really being cruel to somebody else—even if that person isn’t there—we do have a responsibility,” she said. She suggested saying something in the moment like...
- “I noticed that you often ask me a lot of questions that feel kind of judgmental and I feel like you don’t respect me.”
- “I’ve noticed that you can be critical about my work, and I don’t feel supported by it, I feel kind of judged.”
- “I’ve noticed that some of the questions you ask me about my life feel really competitive, and it puts me on edge.”
How should I respond to a mean friend who constantly wants to talk shit about other people?
- “Hey, that's a little much.”
- “Hey, I'm not comfortable with that—that’s unkind.”
- “I think we're going a little too far here. She's a good person, and we all have our flaws.”
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And then, Bonior said, you can follow up with a conversation later, in private, or when things feel calmer. She suggested saying something like this: This can be so uncomfortable to witness, and puts you in a tough spot. Do you protest what they are saying and try to convince them that they are perfect? Attempt to commiserate and offer up all of the ways you feel bad about yourself? Just say nothing, possibly making them believe you agree that they really do suck? For starters, Paul said that you shouldn’t try to talk them out of their feelings. “I think that’s one of the things in the insecurity conversation we miss,” she said. We are often quick to jump to, “But you don’t need to feel this way,” or “But that’s not true” and doing so can come across as dismissive and make them think, Wow, you didn’t hear a word I just said. Still, you don’t have to engage with them as they dunk on themselves. Instead, Paul said you could say something like...
- “I feel like a lot of times our conversations turn into ragging on people, and that doesn't feel right to me. I don't really know where it's coming from for you, but sometimes I don't feel like you seem that happy.”
What should I say to someone who is constantly putting themself down in front of me?
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- “I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. Even though I don’t agree with what you’re saying—I think you’re great—I’ve felt XYZ way before, and I know how tough it is to feel that way.”
- “I’ve noticed we’ve fallen into a dynamic where we often talk about [all the ways we suck/everything wrong with our appearances/how everyone else has it so much better] and I’d like to try to break the habit. I’m not saying we can never share a negative thought, but I am trying to be a little nicer to myself.”
I have a friend who is always complimenting me as a way of putting themself down—what should I do?
- “I appreciate that, but it makes me uncomfortable to hear you putting yourself down.”
- “I appreciate the kind thought, but it doesn’t need to come at your expense.”
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- “I understand why you might think that way. And even though I don’t agree, I empathize with you, and I’m here for you.”
- “Although our current situations are completely different, I relate to what you’re saying about XYZ. I’ve definitely felt that way in my life, and I’m sorry you’re feeling that way now. I’m here for you though.”
My friend is constantly asking for validation and wants more attention than I can give them… I feel bad about not being more supportive, but it’s really draining.
- “Hey, I’ve noticed that you often ask me if I think [you look OK/your partner really does like you/you’re doing fine at your job] and I feel like my answers don’t seem to help, because I’ll often reassure you, but it keeps happening. I want to support you but I feel like maybe there’s something you’re looking for that I can’t give you or there’s something more you need from me.”
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You can also set boundaries by communicating what you can give, Paul said—basically, “I think you would like X from me, but what I can give you right now is Y.” So that might sound something like this: When a friend is suddenly acting totally different online, making nasty "jokes" about their partner, or getting completely shitfaced whenever you go out together, insecurity could be to blame. Both experts said that addressing this behavior is especially tricky.“The key here is to recognize that it's very easy to come across as judgmental, or jealous even,” Bonior said. “You have to find a way to talk about it that is going to minimize that defensive response.” She suggested focusing on their behavior and avoiding labeling them in some way. And be specific. So in the case of heavy drinking, she said you might say something like…
- “I’m getting the feeling you want me to always be available to talk things through with you via text, but I’m just not really able to do that when I’m [at work/spending time with my kids in the evenings/trying to balance school and family stuff]. But I’d love to [catch up with you weekly via a phone call/check in a few times a week over text]. Is that helpful to you at all?”
What should I do if my friend’s insecurities are affecting how they act in public?
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- “Hey, I wanted to talk to you about last night. I feel like you’ve been drunk a lot lately, and it’s made me uncomfortable because [I worry about your safety/that’s really not like you/I’m worried you’re not treating yourself well]. Is everything OK? I could be wrong, but I care about you and want to make sure you’re taking care of yourself.”
Is it OK to end a friendship over insecurity if it’s feeling really toxic?
- “Hey, I know you've probably noticed that I've been really busy lately. The truth is, my life's moving in a different direction and I just don't see myself being able to hang out the way that I used to.”
- “I know you were hoping to get a hangout on the calendar soon, and I want to be honest about what’s going on with me. The truth is, I don’t really feel good about our friendship anymore; in the past few months, it’s felt [really negative/weirdly competitive/like we have very different needs] and I think you’ve noticed it too. I’m feeling really on edge and exhausted by our dynamic, and I think I need [to take a step back/some space/to break up with this friendship].”