Christopher Schewe, the YouTube-famous Desert Storm vet known as Shoenice who’ll eat anything to end world hunger, was on his way to win King of the Web until about four o’clock, Tuesday afternoon. I went to give him my daily allotment of 10 votes when something struck me with surprise. I was unable to locate him on the leader-board (he ranked first over the past several days). I didn’t see anything telling on his Twitter feed, but later saw a status on the Shoenice Facebook, explaining that Twitter is sick of his volume, and that before he can tweet again, he’ll need to acquire some more followers.
I went to his YouTube channel, where in the comment section beneath a new video – in which he guzzles a bottle of Turtle Wax – he explained: “I MADE MYSELF GET KICKED OFF..I TOLD THE CEO TO BLOW ME IN A RESPONSE EMAIL!!” The video has since become a dead link, a shame. Shoenice’s mystique burned in purple flames last night, and what better luck than for me to have missed: “SHOENICE22 LAST YOUTUBE VID – SIGNING OFF FOR A YEAR GUYS CONTRACTS.” Also a dead link.
Contracts? Could he possibly have non-compete conflicts filed away somewhere? Doubtful, but hopefully true, and there is always reason to believe the mysterious Schewe: See this video — if not to watch him chug soy sauce — where he announces his upcoming documentary. Please let this be true! Dissecting whether or not these claims are valid finds tedium, but entertainment, making Chris not only a troll of superhuman talents, but as well, a troll that is — well — very much liked.
Shoenice has become some sort of Batman-esque antihero – an Internet troll at large. And, as I have yet to make real contact with him, the mystery lives on. Although King of the Web released their own formulaic stance against cyber-bullying, it isn’t exactly clear what Schewe has disobeyed. Whatever took place within a few hours yesterday remains at the center of a mysterious debate on the net, leaving a lot of confusion in the mind of this Shoenice fan. So grows his infamy. Boogie2988, another YouTube vlogger, gave his commentary on what has happened with Shoenice in the last few days, pressing that he crossed a line in posting pictures of dead unicorns, inciting his fans to riot, and vague rumors of making a death threat (Schewe later mentioned this was the hoax of a hater).
In the beginning, I had sole fascination with what he would gobble down next. Now I’ve become more engaged in the myth of Chris, like some type of comic-nerd infatuation. He shows up a few times a day — like a member of the Real World — presses record, and goes through the motions, unscripted and always captivating. His execution is solid. His all-caps prose, assertive. I get a little high in my mind, watching duplicate status updates pour down his wall, coyly smiling, feeling the heroism of Schewe, for daring to do something that annoying for another subscriber.
He’s a friendly fascist, just like Vermin Supreme. I don’t even really care what he’s eating; instead, I just use what he’s eating in each video to refer to “the video where he says this.” I’ve lost sight of that whole central part of it, the stunts. They just feel existential for the sake of establishing a feel. In other words, it’s the style I’ve latched on to, no longer the content. I’m enjoying my nightly program, just like all those Breaking Bad & Mad Men fans.
Shoenice drinking two douches:
Here he is last week, talking about his upcoming documentary:
On your mark, get set, Shoenice!
Walking away from an easy win of $7,500 as King of the Web, I’m positive Schewe’s selling power far outreaches that figure. Having picked up thousands of fresh subs (YouTube subscribers) in his latest overnight troll, I’m ready to see what rain will answer the thunder of summoning: “LETS SHOW THE POWER OF THE SHOENICE ARMY!! SHOENICE ARMY UNITE!!”