Do you feel warm and fuzzy inside? If so, it's probably due to the swirling maelstrom of iPhone rumors that are once again swaddling the jittery tech world like an anxiety blanket sewn out of a patchwork of half-truths. But this one takes the cake: According to tech wire service Brightwire, which dug up a pair of Chinese and Taiwanese reports, there will be three new iPhone models in 2013. Two of them, a 4-inch iPhone 5S and a 4.8-inch iPhone Math, will be launched in June.
The original Commerical Times report is paywalled, but China Times picked it up, and even before Google Translate does its magic the phone is clearly listed as the iPhone Math. There's no explanation for why it would be called Math, and the only rumored new specs for the two phones, aside from screen size, is that they'll both have eight megapixel cameras. But the iPhone Math? Oh lord, that's a dumb name. What would that even mean? It's called the MATH, because it crunches numbers, like, really fast. And in December 2013, we'll get the iPhone Astrophysics, for the really hardcore dorks. (For just hardcore, check out the iPhone Biology.)
But it's still heating up the iPhone rumor mill, so I'm just going to say this now: If Apple really does get hopped up on goofballs and release an iPhone Math, I'll eat paste on video, so all of you can laugh along with me. Seriously, the only way to counter a rumor this dumb is to up the ante to mutually-assured idiocy.
Then again, considering there are also rumors that the next iPhones will come in various colors, I wouldn't be too surprised if Apple also started giving them odd nouns as model names. (Will it be called the iPhone Maths in the UK?) I have to give Apple more credit than that, as it's been one of the sharpest, smartest companies in tech for the last five years. But as I said before, adding colors to a flagship device is the move of a company that's running out of ideas.
But one thread runs through most of the iPhone rumors I've seen so far this year: There will be multiple phones in the lineup. Samsung has shown that a variety of screen sizes–from large to really effin' huge–can work on high-end devices, especially as they allow firms to stratify their features a bit. Sure, Steve Jobs hated styli, but a stylus-equipped phablet does offer a much difference experience than a regular smartphone, and Apple might be thinking that it's given up ground by sticking to its "One Perfect Gadget to Win Them All" strategy. That would be a big departure from Apple's smartphone history, but the iPad now comes in multiple screen sizes and the world didn't explode, so the iPhone can't be far off. Just don't expect one to be called the Math.