The VICE Channels

    Can We Stop Worshipping Cats, Because They're Evil as Hell

    Written by

    Derek Mead


    Twitter's new Vine service is rad, but it hadn't fully arrived until now. Yes, Vinecats.com has arrived, as signals that Vine has been fully accepted by the internet because it can finally trade in pawwdorable clips in the Cat Economy. Absolutely no one is surprised by Vinecats release (it does look nice), and the savvy Internet folks are starting to tire of the Put a cat on it! clickwhoring trope, and yet those same people are LOVING THAT SHIT like it's the second coming of the Dancing Baby.

    Look, I'm chill with cats for the most part (Sir Abner is my phone's wallpaper), but it's time we stop pretending that a housecat is some amazingly adorable thing that makes the world better and thus we should fill every corner of the internet with it. Let me be clear: Cats are evil, and here are twelve links explaining why. For those of you who refuse to open your eyes to the real world, enjoy the cat vines instead.

    1. Cats harbor parasites that control our brains

    2. That parasite can kill or blind a baby

    3. Stray cats in the US will kill billions of wild animals this year

    4. The 600 million housecats worldwide are responsible for numerous mammal, reptile, and bird extinctions

    5. Cats Made Ted Nugent relevant

    6. Cats Are reported rabid more than any other domesticated animal in the US

    7. Cats have turned youtube into shit

    8. Cats and their brain parasites have convinced us they own the web, when dogs are actually more popular

    9. When used as performance art, they distract from the sordid politics of drone use

    10. They play with corpses, and like it

    11. Your cat leaves its poop on display just to insult you

    12. They straight-up don't like how you smell, and think that they own you

    There you have it. Cats are evil as shit. Can we please end the charade? The Internet will thank you.