We Can't Stop Listening to the Advice of Psychic Animals
Posted by JennyPacillo on Thursday, Feb 09, 2012
Everyone always talks about animals predicting earthquakes and natural disasters, but I’m not too impressed by that. They typically only sense the impending doom just slightly before humans, so who really cares? I mean, it’s cool that cows lay down when it’s about to rain, at least that tips you off to pack an umbrella, but what the hell are you supposed to do if your horse bails for higher ground five minutes before a tsunami hits? On the other hand, one thing animals are good for is predicting sporting event outcomes.
Most people are unaware of my crippling gambling addiction; it was something of a secret up until now. My bookie certainly knows about it, and so do his henchmen who constantly threaten me to pay up when I’m on a losing streak. Things have gotten pretty dicey in the past. Then I realized my basset hound Libby is great at picking the winning teams.
I first got the idea to test Libby’s psychic powers from Paul the Octopus (R.I.P.). Paul was quite the jet setter. He was from England, but lived in Germany, where he correctly chose the winner in the German national football team’s seven match-ups during the 2010 World Cup. Unfortunately, the average lifespan of a common octopus is only two years, and Paul, regardless of his above-average mental capacity, was very average otherwise. Octopuses are hideous creatures though, and there are way cuter animals that can help us get the old loan shark off our backs.
Take Jim the Wonder Dog. Born in 1925 to a farmer in Louisiana, Jim spent his life baffling psychologists and people everywhere by predicting the sex of unborn babies, Kentucky Derby winners, and responding to commands in any language. He was a truly special dog.
After the Paul the Octopus craze, degenerate gamblers worldwide went bananas trying to find the newest psychic pets. Super Bowl XLV in 2011 was predicted by rats, woodchucks, elephants, and parrots, but one psychic stuck out: Ollie the Cat. Ollie was notable at the time because he unfailingly failed. He’d picked the previous three Super Bowl winners incorrectly, which, in gambling terms, is just fine as long as you know to bet against the cat. True to form, Ollie picked the Steelers, who went on to lose.
The newest pet psychic on the scene is Princess the Camel. She was walking around Popcorn Zoo in New Jersey telling everyone that the Giants we’re going to win the Superbowl. Listen, we all know I love Massachusetts, but obviously I bet against the Patriots last Sunday because Princess only gave the wrong Superbowl outcome once in the past seven years. Cha-ching!
A lot of people hate on this and run their mouths saying that the whole psychic animal thing is baloney. They’re all like, “Boo, they don’t eliminate biases and only let the animal pick once,” and, “Boo, this is scientifically impossible.” Sorry you people can’t wrap your heads around the fact that some animals can eat the graham cracker with the World Series champion team written on it. Please keep in mind that most of these people are animal haters and the rest are just narcs.
Personally, I don’t care what anybody thinks as long as these goofy animals keep telling me how to beat the spread. We all know I love Libby for a lot of things: her wet little nose, her stupid short bowed legs, her expert spooning skills, et al. However, I would definitely love her a little less if she lost her psychic abilities. I’m not saying I’d put two in her head if she stopped licking peanut butter off the hand that I assigned a winning sports team to, but I might not spoil her so much.
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About the author
I enjoy eating tons of food, solving capers, and wearing cardigans. You can take it or leave it. JennyDanger@gmail.com
