Motherboard

Sure, Disneyland is the most brightly-shining example of the corporate takeover of childhood, it’s always stupidly crowded (as in the crowds are, generally, quite dull), and it may have been founded by a guy who treated his artists like dirt, but I still love it. Growing up as a kid in Southern California, it was the place for my young self to be. It helped that my great-grandma has lived in Anaheim for decades, and that combined with having a family of firefighters meant my people spent a fair bit of time at the park whenever there was some sort of discount or appreciation weekend. Maybe it’s embarrassing to admit — I’ve had far worse things made public by now — but I was still going well into high school. (Shout-out to my man T, who used to manage Thunder Mountain Railroad and always hooked it up with the Fastpass!)

The singular problem with Disneyland is that it’s expensive as all hell. Being more concerned with cash these days, I can’t imagine a situation where I’d be dropping $80 or more a day just to get in to the joint. Also, now that I’m living in Brooklyn, I’d consider myself a real jackass if I dipped into my plane and hotel fund to chill out with Mickey, along with tens of thousands of screaming, barfing kids for a couple days. But nonetheless I’ve got the itch to go.

Thanks to this Internet thing, I’ve found that’s totally possible in a virtual sense. YouTube is host to a number of different people who solely post point-of-view videos of roller coasters and amusement park rides. The good ones go for the full experience: a little taste of the line, checking out the elaborate scenes and entrances to the rides themselves, buckling up, and shooting off. Some are in night vision.

I don’t know why, but It’s almost dirty feeling, like POV porn. The"full experience" thing is like call girls who provide a girlfriend experience; you’re getting someone to provide you with a feeling, an aura, that’s impossible to replicate. But just the bare bones, meat and potatoes — straight paid sex or roller coaster highlight porn — doesn’t quite cut it. What type of person needs a surrogate like that? After watching all of these videos, I’m wondering if I might be one of them.

Space Mountain

This is the video that got me into the whole POV ride thing. It’s got my favorite ride, it loudly proclaims that it scored the front seat, and there’s nightvision. This is trippy as all hell.

Thunder Mountain Railroad

I love Thunder Mountain Railroad because it kills people and there’s this one part where if you stare at a goat as the train flies through a hairpin turn you get a weird, euphoric vertigo.

Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride

Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride is amazing because it forces you into a car with some drunk amphibian and you end up escaping Hell.

The Haunted Mansion

I make more references to the Haunted Mansion than any other ride, mostly because it’s all spooky and dark and I really wish it were real so I could party there.

Star Tours

If we’re still working with the porn analogy, the gritty rawness of this video certifies it as legit done by amateurs.

Matterhorn Bobsleds

My godfather sneaked me on to the Matterhorn when I was like two and a half because he thought I’d think it was bad ass. The fucking glowing red eyes of the abominable snowman haunted me for a decade.

Pirates of the Caribbean

A bunch of the Pirates videos were talking about some Blackbeard controversy. Apparently Disney added him in and the faithful weren’t stoked on it.

Jungle Cruise

Nobody knows why you ride the Jungle Cruise, you just do.

Many Adventures of Winnie The Pooh

The Winnie the Pooh ride is hidden away in the back corner of Critter Country. The trek to find it is always worth the time because it’s supremely psychedelic.

Indiana Jones Adventure

This is one of those rides that’s still “new,” even though it’s been around for ages. I always trip out about the air blasts that feel like darts.

Splash Mountain

I’ve never been a big Splash Mountain guy, probably because the line is always stupidly long. It’s one of those rides that’s designed to be a long, cool respite from the killer Orange County sun.

Enchanted Tiki Room

Also in the “let Mommy rest” category is the Tiki Room, which is actually kind of frightening when you really sit through it.

Submarine Voyage

I’m sorry, not even rebranding this with Nemo can help the fact that you’re stuck three feet underwater looking out a small window at nothing exciting.

It’s A Small World

This is where fun goes to die.